This week I attended a "First Time Moms Meetup." I have never done a random internet meetup before, but after the 4th week of being home with Marin and realizing that while my friend Niki is a godsend and a generally awesome person to be around, it's not really right to rely on her for 100% of my weekday socialization, I should try to find some moms' groups online. Quickly eschewing the $170 fee for 6 weeks of "baby class" offered by Isis, I tried to find some free groups of people who just wanted to take a walk at the same time. (Marin is 6 weeks old at this point... she doesn't need a class which charges tuition.) So I found meetup.com and joined this group of first time moms in the Boston area. We met at Panera in Brookline, which is close & easy for me to get to... so I really had no excuse not to go.
I was way older than the other moms in attendance (and Marin was the youngest kid there... by 2 days). I also am the only one who is going back to work full time.
The other moms were all nice. But what struck me is that the first thing that I was asked upon sitting down was "are you breastfeeding?"
Is this really an appropriate thing to ask someone you just met, even in the context of a new moms group? Even at work, people I don't know well asked me if I was planning to breastfeed, which I just feel is a really personal question.
I don't like the question because I feel like I'm setting myself up to be judged when I answer. The only appropriate answer to the question (in the asker's mind, anyway) is "Absolutely! There is no other way." But here's the thing: were I to simply respond "no," what would the questioner reply? "Oh you really should, it's the best thing for your baby." - this is common knowledge. I highly doubt there is any educated woman in America who is not aware that breast milk is the best option for her child's health and well being. If I had decided not to breast feed, it wouldn't have been because I was not aware of its benefits and I certainly would not be enlightened to this fact for the first time in Panera Bread. It's a decision that moms get to make for themselves, with input from medical professionals certainly, but not from random acquaintances.
The other reason I don't like the question is that I don't really have a simple answer to it. I planned to breastfeed Marin, but it turns out that we're incompatible. She has a short tongue, and I have flat nipples (see, personal information!! Not something to share with random people!! Except for the internet, of course). If it were up to Marin & I to propogate the species, we would fail. She can latch on with a nipple shield, but it's hard for her and as she gets more frustrated, the harder it is for her. For that reason, she will nurse maybe once a day, tops. So, I pump. A lot. She drinks my breast milk from the bottle like a champ. And that's what works for us. But when I say that I'm pumping, I am always encouraged to "keep trying" to get her to nurse. Of course I'm trying, but I don't want to torture my kid either. This works for her and me, and even though pumping is super time consuming, it's the best way for both her & me to get the benefits of breastfeeding. If I relied on nursing alone, the kid would be hungry. I starved her for the first 2 days of her life because I didn't know she wasn't latching on. Finally I had to ask the nurses at the hospital to give her formula just to get her some nutrition so she would gain weight and we would be discharged. And you know what? Sometimes, if I don't have enough milk, I give her formula. I feel like I need to keep that a secret, but it's what we have to do.
So yeah, it's a very personal thing for me. And it has nothing to do with what I wanted, or even what I chose - it's what works for us. It's the best I can do. And she's gaining weight, sleeps for long stretches, and is a generally happy baby.
If someone chooses to formula feed, she does it because that is what works best for her situation. It's not because she doesn't know any better, it's because that's what works in her house.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that feeding your baby is a very personal thing. The fact that breast feeding is the "first choice" is not some trade secret, but it just doesn't work for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. And that's why I would never ask someone how she is feeding her baby - I wouldn't want to make anyone think that I'm going to judge her answer, or offer "advice." There are millions of healthy, happy, formula fed babies. Whatever a mom chooses will be right for her... and it's no one's business but hers and her child's.
I leave this topic with an excerpt from Tina Fey's Bossypants. I love how she really hits the nail on the head:
... Maybe Boston too.
I was way older than the other moms in attendance (and Marin was the youngest kid there... by 2 days). I also am the only one who is going back to work full time.
The other moms were all nice. But what struck me is that the first thing that I was asked upon sitting down was "are you breastfeeding?"
Is this really an appropriate thing to ask someone you just met, even in the context of a new moms group? Even at work, people I don't know well asked me if I was planning to breastfeed, which I just feel is a really personal question.
I don't like the question because I feel like I'm setting myself up to be judged when I answer. The only appropriate answer to the question (in the asker's mind, anyway) is "Absolutely! There is no other way." But here's the thing: were I to simply respond "no," what would the questioner reply? "Oh you really should, it's the best thing for your baby." - this is common knowledge. I highly doubt there is any educated woman in America who is not aware that breast milk is the best option for her child's health and well being. If I had decided not to breast feed, it wouldn't have been because I was not aware of its benefits and I certainly would not be enlightened to this fact for the first time in Panera Bread. It's a decision that moms get to make for themselves, with input from medical professionals certainly, but not from random acquaintances.
The other reason I don't like the question is that I don't really have a simple answer to it. I planned to breastfeed Marin, but it turns out that we're incompatible. She has a short tongue, and I have flat nipples (see, personal information!! Not something to share with random people!! Except for the internet, of course). If it were up to Marin & I to propogate the species, we would fail. She can latch on with a nipple shield, but it's hard for her and as she gets more frustrated, the harder it is for her. For that reason, she will nurse maybe once a day, tops. So, I pump. A lot. She drinks my breast milk from the bottle like a champ. And that's what works for us. But when I say that I'm pumping, I am always encouraged to "keep trying" to get her to nurse. Of course I'm trying, but I don't want to torture my kid either. This works for her and me, and even though pumping is super time consuming, it's the best way for both her & me to get the benefits of breastfeeding. If I relied on nursing alone, the kid would be hungry. I starved her for the first 2 days of her life because I didn't know she wasn't latching on. Finally I had to ask the nurses at the hospital to give her formula just to get her some nutrition so she would gain weight and we would be discharged. And you know what? Sometimes, if I don't have enough milk, I give her formula. I feel like I need to keep that a secret, but it's what we have to do.
So yeah, it's a very personal thing for me. And it has nothing to do with what I wanted, or even what I chose - it's what works for us. It's the best I can do. And she's gaining weight, sleeps for long stretches, and is a generally happy baby.
If someone chooses to formula feed, she does it because that is what works best for her situation. It's not because she doesn't know any better, it's because that's what works in her house.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that feeding your baby is a very personal thing. The fact that breast feeding is the "first choice" is not some trade secret, but it just doesn't work for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. And that's why I would never ask someone how she is feeding her baby - I wouldn't want to make anyone think that I'm going to judge her answer, or offer "advice." There are millions of healthy, happy, formula fed babies. Whatever a mom chooses will be right for her... and it's no one's business but hers and her child's.
I leave this topic with an excerpt from Tina Fey's Bossypants. I love how she really hits the nail on the head:
“Are you breast-feeding? Isn’t it amazing? I really think it’s how I lost the weight so easily. Did you have a vaginal birth? I went natural and I didn’t even tear. Are you back at work already? Do you feel weird about going back to work? I just love my baby so much I can’t imagine going back to work yet. You’re not nursing? She’s only fifteen months; you should try again!”
Now, let me be clear; millions of women around the world nurse their children beautifully for years without giving anybody else a hard time about it. Teat Nazis are a solely western upper-middle-class phenomenon occurring when highly ambitious women experience deprivation from outside modes of achievement. Their highest infestation pockets are in Brooklyn and Hollywood.
... Maybe Boston too.
