To Marin at the start of a New Year

Dear Marin,

The last few years have been pretty life-changing for me. In 2008 I moved to Massachusetts. In 2009 I became a godmother, a fiancee and an aunt for the first time. In 2010 I became a wife... but 2011 is the most monumental because, thanks to you, I became a Mom.

I have never been really that into babies. I mean, I appreciate their cuteness, but the appeal of a kid that can talk and interact always held more interest for me. I knew that I was good with kids, but I didn't think I'd be all that interested in having a baby. I thought of it as a period I'd "get through" until the real child-rearing begins. I also had heard horror stories from so many people about how hard it is to have a baby: the lack of sleep, the inability to get them to stop crying... you can understand how the idea of it is not that appealing.

But boy did that change when you came into my life. So tiny and so dependent on me, but also so full of curiosity and personality, almost from the get-go. You were so alert even from day one, and so responsive to us. Of course there were times that were difficult to handle, but about 90% of the time you have been an incredibly easy baby. So easygoing, so pleasant. Especially within the last couple of months, you have developed this personality that just lights up a room. You are full of smiles, you know how to turn on the charm, and you are just incredibly sweet. There is nothing I love more than when  you "sing" along with music in church or in the car. You are a built-in audience who puts on a huge smile and laughs when I perform songs and crazy dances for you. Complete strangers compliment me on how cute and sweet you are. I have completely fallen in love with you and it seems that everyone else has too.

You have also made me appreciate your dad in new ways. I love to see how excited he is to see you, and how happy you make him. He has been waiting a long time to become a dad, and I'm so glad that he has such an awesome baby. We are both astounded every day by how much you are learning and how much you already communicate with us.

We couldn't have gotten through this year without the love and generosity of a whole lot of people. Your Mimi and Poppy have come to visit so many times, and have taken such good care of us in getting ready for you and especially upon your arrival. Your Aunt Lori, Uncle Clif and cousin Eden have flown here twice from Nashville to see you, and have provided us with so much hand-me-down baby gear that we barely needed anything. Ditto Auntie Judith, Aunt Jen, Uncle Scott & cousins Peyton & Matthew, Daddy's cousin Jessie - it's been amazing. I don't know what I would have done without the listening ears of all of the above, as well as Aunt Niki, Auntie Parcheesy, Aunt Bessie, Aunt Kate and "Gunkle" Jeff. We have had great visits with Aunt Elizabeth & Uncle Denny, and Uncle Ron and family and Uncle Gene and family. You have spent good quality time with your Grandpa and Nana, too, and the rest of the family on Nana's side. This year has reminded me what good people I have surrounded myself with, and how glad I am that these amazing people are among the village that will help us raise you to be the bright, funny and inquisitive little girl that we already see glimmers of.

You have already brought so much joy to our lives, I can only imagine what the next year is going to be like. I can't wait to bring you to Disney World for the first time.  I can't wait till those words that I see brewing in that little head of yours come out and you start expressing yourself in new ways. I can't wait to see more smiles, hear more laughter, and to fall in love with a toddler. I already love a baby more than I ever thought I could.

Happy New Year, Marin!

Love,

Mommy

School Girl

I haven't written in the blog for a while. This is partially because I don't have as much time to sit and type as I once did, as Marin does not like to sleep for long stretches during the day so I have to make use of those windows doing things like showering, laundry, dishes, etc. The other part of why I haven't written is because I don't want to be one of those people who act like they are the first person in the world to have a child and therefore feel the need to document every accomplishment. Yes, I post lot of pictures on Facebook, but that's mostly because my family & close friends are spread all over the country and I hear that they want to see what she looks like/how big she's getting. I promise I don't do it so everyone tells me how cute she is. I appreciate all those comments, though. She is pretty cute.

Anyway, tomorrow is Marin's first day of "school" - it's what you call day care when you don't want to feel guilty about sending your child to day care. For us, keeping her home wasn't an option, as we live in one of the most expensive cities in the country and while day care is costly, it's not costly enough to give up my income. So we didn't have to have any serious discussions about sending her to daycare because it was a foregone conclusion. And I'm excited because they do have an actual curriculum where we're sending her, so she'll have things like music class to stimulate her. Quite honestly, there is only so much stimulus I can provide to a 2 month old. We play for a little while, talk for a little while, sing, etc. but sometimes I just really want to catch up on Tivo/ Facebook.

The crime of day care starting at 12 weeks old is that she is starting to get a lot more interesting. She smiles a lot, "talks" a lot, and generally seems more entertained/interested in things. I do have a lot of fun with her. But I also think that the teachers at "school" will also really like her and she'll be well taken care of. She will get plenty of Mommy time in the mornings and afternoons, and on weekends, and will be used to lots of people being around. On the pre-enrollment forms they ask what our goals are for the child, and I wrote for her to gain socialization skills, and independence. As flattering as it is, I don't want her to be fully reliant on Mommy and Daddy. I want her to go to/talk to lots of people and to be able to come up with ideas and play on her own.

It helps a lot that I went back to work this past week. My Mom & Dad came up to spend my 2 work days with Marin, and she did great. So I'm already "used" to being at work all day, which makes the transition to day care a little less traumatic. And hey, I'll have way more time on my hands because she'll leave with Daddy in the morning so I can shower at a nice leisurely pace after they leave and not worry about detecting a scream over the shower water.

I'm looking forward to her getting more stimulated during the day, and also looking forward to seeing her big smile when I get home from work... just as long as all major milestones happen during early morning or evening hours, and on weekends. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Feeding Frenzy

This week I attended a "First Time Moms Meetup." I have never done a random internet meetup before, but after the 4th week of being home with Marin and realizing that while my friend Niki is a godsend and a generally awesome person to be around, it's not really right to rely on her for 100% of my weekday socialization, I should try to find some moms' groups online. Quickly eschewing the $170 fee for 6 weeks of "baby class" offered by Isis, I tried to find some free groups of people who just wanted to take a walk at the same time. (Marin is 6 weeks old at this point... she doesn't need a class which charges tuition.) So I found meetup.com and joined this group of first time moms in the Boston area. We met at Panera in Brookline, which is close & easy for me to get to... so I really had no excuse not to go.

I was way older than the other moms in attendance (and Marin was the youngest kid there... by 2 days). I also am the only one who is going back to work full time.

The other moms were all nice. But what struck me is that the first thing that I was asked upon sitting down was "are you breastfeeding?"

Is this really an appropriate thing to ask someone you just met, even in the context of a new moms group? Even at work, people I don't know well asked me if I was planning to breastfeed, which I just feel is a really personal question.

I don't like the question because I feel like I'm setting myself up to be judged when I answer. The only appropriate answer to the question (in the asker's mind, anyway) is "Absolutely! There is no other way." But here's the thing: were I to simply respond "no," what would the questioner reply? "Oh you really should, it's the best thing for your baby." - this is common knowledge. I highly doubt there is any educated woman in America who is not aware that breast milk is the best option for her child's health and well being. If I had decided not to breast feed, it wouldn't have been because I was not aware of its benefits and I certainly would not be enlightened to this fact for the first time in Panera Bread. It's a decision that moms get to make for themselves, with input from medical professionals certainly, but not from random acquaintances.

The other reason I don't like the question is that I don't really have a simple answer to it. I planned to breastfeed Marin, but it turns out that we're incompatible. She has a short tongue, and I have flat nipples (see, personal information!! Not something to share with random people!! Except for the internet, of course). If it were up to Marin & I to propogate the species, we would fail. She can latch on with a nipple shield, but it's hard for her and as she gets more frustrated, the harder it is for her. For that reason, she will nurse maybe once a day, tops. So, I pump. A lot. She drinks my breast milk from the bottle like a champ. And that's what works for us. But when I say that I'm pumping, I am always encouraged to "keep trying" to get her to nurse. Of course I'm trying, but I don't want to torture my kid either. This works for her and me, and even though pumping is super time consuming, it's the best way for both her & me to get the benefits of breastfeeding. If I relied on nursing alone, the kid would be hungry. I starved her for the first 2 days of her life because I didn't know she wasn't latching on. Finally I had to ask the nurses at the hospital to give her formula just to get her some nutrition so she would gain weight and we would be discharged. And you know what? Sometimes, if I don't have enough milk, I give her formula. I feel like I need to keep that a secret, but it's what we have to do.

So yeah, it's a very personal thing for me. And it has nothing to do with what I wanted, or even what I chose - it's what works for us. It's the best I can do. And she's gaining weight, sleeps for long stretches, and is a generally happy baby.

If someone chooses to formula feed, she does it because that is what works best for her situation. It's not because she doesn't know any better, it's because that's what works in her house.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that feeding your baby is a very personal thing. The fact that breast feeding is the "first choice" is not some trade secret, but it just doesn't work for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. And that's why I would never ask someone how she is feeding her baby - I wouldn't want to make anyone think that I'm going to judge her answer, or offer "advice." There are millions of healthy, happy, formula fed babies. Whatever a mom chooses will be right for her... and it's no one's business but hers and her child's.

I leave this topic with an excerpt from Tina Fey's Bossypants. I love how she really hits the nail on the head:

“Are you breast-feeding? Isn’t it amazing? I really think it’s how I lost the weight so easily. Did you have a vaginal birth? I went natural and I didn’t even tear. Are you back at work already? Do you feel weird about going back to work? I just love my baby so much I can’t imagine going back to work yet. You’re not nursing? She’s only fifteen months; you should try again!”

Now, let me be clear; millions of women around the world nurse their children beautifully for years without giving anybody else a hard time about it. Teat Nazis are a solely western upper-middle-class phenomenon occurring when highly ambitious women experience deprivation from outside modes of achievement. Their highest infestation pockets are in Brooklyn and Hollywood.

... Maybe Boston too.

10 Things I Have Learned in the Last 4 Weeks

1. I had no idea that when the baby is really really really upset, my frustration would be directed not at the baby, but at myself for not being able to soothe her.

2. The feeling of achievement that results from actually soothing the baby is better than any promotion or A+ I have ever received.

3. A burp, fart or other evidence of gas being released is a cause for celebration. (Released by the baby, not by me.)

4. I can do a lot of things one-handed.

5. It is possible for time to pass both incredibly quickly (as in "How is it already 11:30 am and I still haven't managed to shower, finish the dishes or eat breakfast") and incredibly slowly (as in, "Shaun is supposed to be home at 4:30 and it's 4:35. Where is he?").

6. As much as I pride myself on my independence, having Shaun home or people around to help is absolutely necessary. I don't know how single parents do it.

7. It is in fact possible to build your entire day around a trip to the post office. And having that trip to the post office on the to-do list for tomorrow can help get you through today.

8. It is perfectly OK to wear the same outfit over and over and over again, particularly when the outfit both fits and is conducive to making food available for the baby. (This is coming from the person who tracked her outfits when she started public school to ensure no outfit was ever exactly repeated.) Thank goodness for having a washer and dryer.

9. It is possible to hear the cries of a newborn in the next room while in the shower.

10. Spending all day with a 4-week-old can bring an awful lot of joy. It's more fun than I thought it would be.

The Birth Story

It's been 3 weeks since Marin finally arrived... and it's about time I got to updating the blog.

I left off when our first scheduled induction was postponed once we were in the hospital. We were rescheduled to go in on Tuesday, July 19 at 4:30 pm for Induction, part 2 when I was exactly 39 weeks pregnant. It was a very different feeling than the first time we went in- mostly because I was kind of setting myself up for "this could go awry again." Mom & Dad spent the weekend before with Aunt Sharon & Uncle John in New Hampshire, and headed back into Boston on Tuesday. Niki came over, too and we all walked down to Fiorello's in Oak Square to have lunch and then we headed to the hospital. The previous Thursday, we got to the hospital super early for our 4:30 appointment... this time, we were running late so Shaun dropped me off and I got up there at 4:29 ish and Shaun met me there. A very different vibe. They were expecting me, and several residents even said "Oh, you're Dr. Harrison's patient" so they obviously knew the story that I had been there before. We got settled in room 4, and had a very nice nurse. Mom & Dad came to visit a few hours later, and at 7 pm I was officially induced (as in, "I am definitely not going home sans baby this time"). They put a pill in my cervix and I had to lay flat for 2 hours. We watched TV and just chatted - it was fairly anti climatic. At the 6 hour point, they would determine whether I needed another pill or a Foley catheter, or whether labor had started on its own. I had been having contractions frequently prior to going in to the hospital, and once the induction happened the contractions were still coming. Not regularly enough to actually dialate my cervix, but too regularly to warrant a second pill. They tried the Foley catheter to artificially dialate my cervix, but that didn't work (and was PAINFUL). The next step was pitocin - which they gave me at around 4 am.

The pitocin is NO JOKE. About 5 minutes after they administered it, my water broke. A lot. I had a lot of amniotic fluid. It's funny, when I thought about my water breaking during pregnancy, I was always concerned that I wouldn't be able to tell that it broke. Having felt the water break, that was a silly concern. It was unlike any other feeling I've ever had. Once the water broke, the real contractions started. And they were painful. I asked for an epidural (Yay, drugs!) but Dr. Harrison recommended that since I wasn't really dialated yet, I should try Nubane. (I probably spelled that wrong.) I was not a fan of Nubane because a) it made me really loopy and b) I still felt a lot of pain with each contraction.

Finally at around noon I told my fabulous nurse, Bobbie, that I was ready for the epidural. The anesthesiologists came in, administered it (Bobbie took great care of me during that process - all went smoothly) and then I was feeling no pain.

Mom & Dad were in & out all day, Dr. Harrison was in checking on me, but there wasn't really any real progress. The baby did not really like the pitocin - every time they upped the dosage, her heartrate would fluctuate and they'd have to put me on oxygen and lower the dosage. Then they'd try to up it again and the whole cycle would start all over. No one was particularly panicked - some babies just don't like pitocin and this happened to be one of them.

Oh- another random thing. I was given a red popsicle to eat (I love popsicles) midway through the day. I proceeded to vomit up said red popsicle twice. It was a double pop, but twice?

Dr. Harrison came in to check on me at about 9 pm Wednesday night to say that the baby would not be born that day, but would be here Thursday morning sometime. At around 1 am the resident came in to check on me, and determined that I was fully dialated and effaced. "YES!" I said. I was ready for this baby to come. She did tell me that the baby was still at -2 so it wouldn't be worth it to start pushing until she was in a better position. I had Shaun call my parents at their hotel to let them know I'd start pushing soon. I was ready to go!

At this point I had the epidural for a while and was still pretty numb. However, the nurse (Marie) said that I'd be able to feel when I needed to push, because I'd feel like I had to poop. I was already having these feelings... but the doctors weren't in yet for my official "start pushing" feeling.

I was really really really really thirsty. I was told by the attending doctor on duty that I was allowed to have nothing more than "a few" ice chips. Since "a few" is kind of broad... I asked the nurse for ice chips and proceeded to house them like it was lobster dinner. Not a smart move, it turns out. I vomited up the ice chips just like the red popsicle from earlier. I would like to state that I vomited a total of 4 times during my entire pregnancy -- but proceeded to nearly double that total in less than 24 hours at the hospital about to deliver. Not cute at all.

At 3 am my parents arrived (they hadn't fallen asleep at their hotel). They came in to wish us luck and then headed out to the waiting room.

Shortly after Mom & Dad came in, Dr. Harrison arrived. Here is why I love Dr. Harrison. He worked a full duty day shift in the hospital on Wednesday. He also had an evening clinic shift until 9 pm and came in to see me after that. And then he came BACK at 3 am to deliver my baby. Now THAT's a dedicated doctor. Love him.

At 4:15 I was officially given the go ahead to start pushing. I went in like a champ. I hadn't upped my epidural dose at all so I'd be able to feel when I needed to push... and those first few pushes were rock-star caliber. My friend Kate had given great advice as to what pushing should feel like, so I went with that. I figured it would be a few pushes and the baby would arrive. I figured wrong.

After those first 4 pushes (coached by Shaun, Dr. Harrison, Nurse Marie, the resident and 2 medical students that I okayed to be in the room) my body basically gave out. It HURT. A lot. I didn't have the energy to sustain the pushing. I was thirsty. I went in like a champ... but then I spent the next hour and a half trying to come up with alternatives to pushing the baby out.

Shaun was amazing. He was super supportive (as was everyone else).  They were really concerned about  my heart rate (which was skyrocketing) and the baby's heart rate (which was also skyrocketing). They put a cathode on her head, which helped Shaun gauge the progress we were making. At one point he told me that he could see curly dark hair. Really? She had no hair in any ultrasound picture so that was a surprise. Dr. Harrison and others were whispering in the corner - there was concern that I was dehydrated (I was! They wouldn't let me have anything to drink, and when I did OD on ice chips, it was all vomited up as you may recall). They kept trying to get me to wear the oxygen mask, which was sticky and uncomfortable and kind of made me claustrophobic (which interestingly enough, does not inspire one to breathe, kind of working against the purpose of said oxygen mask).

I would love to say that it was a beautiful experience... a "glorious pain"... that I found inner strength and sustained each push longer than expected because I couldn't wait to meet my baby. None of this would be the case. I was a total wuss about it and complained about how awful it was the whole time.

Finally, after one push I felt her head coming out. Dr. Harrison was holding my left leg at the time (Shaun was holding the right) and he wanted to get the resident to help deliver. When he let go of my leg, the baby's head went back in! That didn't feel great. It was only 2 more pushes after that that she finally arrived. Shaun coached me that each push was for someone: He said "push this one for Judith" and her head emerged fully. He said "Push this one for Lori" and that was the final push.

She was here!

I am fairly certain that the very first thing I said to my newborn daughter was, "You're going to be an only child because I am never doing that again."

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe she was actually here. Neither of us could. Shaun turned to me and said "We have a baby."

Remember how in every ultrasound picture she had a hand up by her head? Well that's why she was having trouble positioning herself in the birth canal. She was born with her hand up against her head... which equals a 3rd degree laceration for me and a lot of stitches.

I asked for water pretty much immediately. I am thirsty now just thinking about it 3 weeks later.

Right away the nurses said "She looks like daddy" - her heartrate was above 200 so the doctors and nurses were all over her before I got to really see her closely. I kept asking how big she was, but they were working on her so couldn't give me the weight. That part was so surreal. I was asking what was wrong, they seemed concerned but not panicking and in the meantime Dr. Harrison started stitching me up. I heard talk of the NICU but her numbers were getting better and better. I sent Shaun to go tell my parents she had arrived, and that we decided to name her Marin Cecilia. He came back in and said that he got kind of choked up talking to my parents. The pediatrician told him as he was walking out to the waiting area that the baby was doing well and she wouldn't have to go to the NICU after all.

Finally they gave her to me. We had some "Skin to skin" contact, and Shaun did the same. One of the nurses mentioned that my parents had been waiting very patiently outside, and could she bring Marin out to meet them? I thought that was pretty sweet (and I was getting stitched up anyway), so my Mom & Dad got to meet her just about an hour after she was born, and took her first official pictures.

After that, it was a whirlwind of trying to tell people, taking pictures, and people continuing to check in on us. The baby went right to the nursery and I got some recovery time. Shaun was out cold on his fold out sleeping chair, and then they moved us up to the Post-Partum floor and brought Marin in to be with us. We were now officially a family, and I realized what it's like to love someone that you barely know.

So yeah, I didn't have a great childbirth experience... but I didn't need a c-section, the baby was healthy (and adorable, I must say)... and every day since has been unlike any other I've experienced.

Welcome to the world, Baby Marin.

Marin Cecilia McAuliffe

Marin Cecilia McAuliffe made her debut at 5:53 am on Thursday, July 21. She weighed 7 lbs., 5 oz (not the giant baby we were all expecting) and was 19 3/4 inches long. As expected, she looks just like her daddy. She also has a full head of dark hair... that we're hoping turns curly soon, as Mommy doesn't know how to care for straight hair.

How did we pick her name? One of my favorite Broadway stars is Marin Mazzie, so that's where I heard the name first. Shaun & I both liked it because it's different but still easy to spell. There's a certain sophistication to it that I really like. My brother who died in 1989 was named Mark, so the baby is named in tribute to her uncle.  Marin means "of the sea" and the McAuliffe family crest features mermaids, so there's a family link there. Shaun proposed to me on the ocean in Rockport, MA so we also have a "sea" theme to our relationship. Plus, Marin Mazzie was Tony-nominated for her role in Ragtime, and I spent most of this pregnancy rehearsing for that show so Marin was always on my mind. (Also, Shaun spent some of his favorite times in Marin County, CA... but the baby's name rhymes with Karen, so a different pronunciation from the county.)

We selected Cecilia for her middle name because Cecilia was my paternal grandmother's middle name, and also the name of my mother's aunt who helped raise her, so it is a family name on both sides for me. St. Cecilia's is the parish we attend (and we were married by the priest from St. Cecilia's, even though we couldn't be married AT St. Cecilia's due to construction), and St. Cecilia happens to be the patron saint of music, which is something very important to both Shaun and I.

So that's how we came up with her name....  more to come on her birth story!

Anticipation

I have always said that my favorite emotion is anticipation. I love the day BEFORE something exciting is going to happen, being next in line for a ride, the moment just before the curtain goes up- to have something be so close but still far enough away to fantasize about what it'll be like. That being said... 3 days after we went to the hospital to have our baby, we are still anticipating her arrival.

My parents got up here Wednesday evening, we went to dinner, they settled in to their hotel. I barely slept Wednesday night as Shaun and I talked about what would happen the next day - a little shell-shocked but definitely excited. On Thursday, Niki and Addison came over to hang out/distract me, my parents came over for a while, then Shaun and I were alone for what we thought would be the last time in our apartment sans baby. We headed out to Flour Bakery for lunch, then headed to the hospital. We got there at 4:00 for our 4:30 appointment, spent some time in the waiting room with some cute but poorly behaved children, who served to remind us that we will be better parents than the ones these kids were saddled with. We finally got called in to get started and settled into delivery room 1.

Our nurse was very nice, took good care of me as she put all of the monitors on. I let them know that I was interested in pain management (LOTS of pain management) so the anesthesiologist came in to talk to us. By 6:30 my parents arrived, my IV was in and we were just chilling in the room. Dr. Harrison came in with a student, and they did an exam plus took a look at the baby on ultrasound. My blood pressure was in the 130 range every time they took it. After looking at the baby's position, my lack of dialation and my now median-range blood pressure, Dr. Harrison said that we needed to talk. He could no longer recommend inducing me, because I was not yet at 39 weeks (38 weeks, 2 days for the record) and with my blood pressure back to "normal" there was no justifiable reason to do it. He said that based on the baby's position, she was not ready to come out yet and induction would likely result in a C-section and some additional neonatal care for the baby. He said that it was ultimately my decision... but it really wasn't. He said that if I was at 39 weeks, we'd be good to go, but I wasn't there yet. Dr. Harrison made us an appointment to do the whole thing all over again on Tuesday, when I'm actually at 39 weeks. So as disappointing as it was to get there, thinking we'd come home with a baby... we ended up leaving with our bags still packed, baby still in belly, around 9:30 that night.

I was disappointed because we were THERE. It's one thing to be turned away at the door, it's another to be kicked out after settling in. I was also bummed because I had shared with so many people that the baby would be here soon, and people were so excited for us that I felt like I was letting everyone down.

I also feel guilty for being disappointed, because I know people who didn't get to have their baby at all. I should feel lucky that I'm "not high risk enough."

I did not sleep well on Thursday night, needless to say. On Friday morning we went to our scheduled appointment at antenatal testing for another nonstress test. My BP was still good, and they also did another ultrasound to check the baby's size and estimated that she is 7 lbs 13 oz - MUCH more reasonable than the 9 lbs I was expecting. She continues to kick away, and I have still been having contractions. I was told to "focus on labor" so we walked around the Museum of Fine Arts yesterday. I ate spicy food. We have been sleeping in but I'm trying to remain active during the day to remind this baby that she's ready to make an appearance very soon.

I also cannot stress enough how wonderful Shaun has been through all of this. We got some unexpected time together this weekend and it's been great. So maybe the baby decided to give us this weekend as an extra gift before she started taking over our lives. I know she'll still be here soon, and now we know exactly what the first 5 hours of hospital time on Tuesday will be like. I do hate surprises... and I'm getting a little more anticipation than I bargained for. But as I said before, I love anticipation.